Movie screenplays don’t tell you everything you need to know about real, fulfilling relationships. Many couples find themselves stuck in the same patterns, such having the same fights, getting confused, or feeling let down over and over again. The first brave step toward a better relationship is to notice these patterns that keep happening. It’s important to figure out where bad patterns come from, whether you’re thinking about trying couples therapy or just want to make things better. Continue reading the information here!
Some of the main problems? Always nitpicking, closing off emotionally, or avoiding particular issues like they’re booby-trapped. John Gottman, a well-known relationship specialist, found that four behaviors—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—known as the “Four Horsemen,” are very accurate predictors of a relationship ending. It’s time to be honest with yourself if you see any of these traits in your own relationship problems.
These bad habits frequently come from things you learned as a youngster or things that wounded you in the past. During a fight, you could get locked in old habits and feel like you’re going through something that happened years ago that still isn’t resolved. The brain tends to stick with what it knows, even if that means getting stuck on a roundabout that you really want to get off of.
It’s good that you don’t have to break these cycles on your own. Reaching out to a friend, counselor, or therapist is often a part of real growth. By the way, couples counseling isn’t just for couples who are having problems. A lot of people find that seeing a professional before things get out of hand actually helps their relationship and makes it easier to talk to each other. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, more than 97% of couples say counseling helps them.
How can you notice early signs that things need to change? When you disagree with someone, pay attention to how you talk to each other. Are you blaming someone else, shutting down emotionally, or avoiding what matters? These aren’t just little things that bother you; they’re indicators that it’s time to start over. Writing in a journal after difficult conversations and noting similar themes can be unexpectedly eye-opening.
To start making new, healthy routines, you need to slow down. When you want to react in a fight, ask yourself, “Do I want to connect, protect myself, or “win” this argument?” We often act out of hurt pride instead of wanting to fix things or understand.
Don’t be frightened to attempt new things. Practice active listening by letting one person talk and then having the other person repeat what they heard to make sure they understood. It may seem easy, yet it can change things in big ways. Be honest and transparent with your partner. Try saying sorry before they do and observe how the moment changes. A single step outside of what you know might sometimes lead to a better love story.